I am so fucking sick of transphobia, I don't care if it's unintentional or not.
I haven't been working on my website in a while, mostly because I was spending way too much time on it and it was burning me out. I think I'm going to limit working on it to be on the weekends from now on.
In other news, I've joined Pixel Cat's End, it is literally so fun and I love that the not-cats can have neopronouns or use it/its pronouns (you can also give them secondary sets of pronouns), and their biological sex and gender is separate, PLUS biological sex isn't based on human views of male/female but is its own unique thing (it's based on "Winds", so there's North Wind, South Wind, Trade Wind, and Null, and this only affects which not-cats can have biological kids together - which are called "beans" - or if they have to adopt). You can also let not-cats have multiple partners or make them have none at all (they have four slots for close relationships, this can be a mix of partners and best friends or all one or the other). It's super cool so far. Also, there's a pride flag shop in-game that has literally so many flags, including catgender!
My little brother is letting me borrow his 3DS indefinitely because he doesn't use it very much and he wants it to get some use still. I've never had a 3DS before or even so much as fiddled around with one. This is super cool. The 3D effect feels almost like how my VR headset makes me feel - by that I mean it's super freaky and cool but also makes me feel sick LMAO.
I'm trying to apply for a bunch of remote call center jobs so I can work from home and still get some money, but no luck yet. I've still got to pay off the debt on my line of credit that I had to take on to afford university (fuck university), I need to save up to have my wisdom teeth removed because they're super impacted, and then after that I STILL have debt to pay off because I have $10k in student loan debt that I owe to the government. Then I still have monthly bills like my phone and shit. I stopped going to therapy nearly a year ago now because it was $140 per session and I couldn't afford it at all. I was hoping with ADHD meds I would be able to do well enough at university for scholarships and stuff, or at least to pull through until graduating, but because my university is distance education my ADHD still made me have to withdraw from most of my classes because I wasn't able to keep track of the deadlines (got a 4.0 in my English class though which is the only one I didn't withdraw from. Like I know I can do this! It's just my disability getting in the way!).
I could apply for accommodations, but you need a full psychoeducational assessment for that, and when I looked into that I was told it would be $4000 and my insurance doesn't even cover it. Canada acts like it has "universal" health care, but really all that means is "we'll let you go to a family doctor or the ER without paying a fortune, but you're still covering the cost of prescriptions, dental care, any evaluations you need done, etc." and I literally have an ADHD diagnosis, too. Two separate psychiatrists evaluated me for ADHD in order to prescribe me meds and both agreed I had it and that it was going to have a major impact on my ability to study or hold down a job if left untreated and unmanaged. I also have a professional diagnosis of autism and the full evaluation from when I was young, but noooo, it needs to be a current evaluation and a very specific type with specific paperwork and forms filled out for me to get ANY help even though I am obviously struggling even with medication.
I don't know. I'm just so frustrated and stressed out about money. And then there's the fact that my partner and I are long-distance, and I really want to go see her in person and we've been together for over three years and fully intend to get married eventually - but that costs money too (the trip to see her, I mean - I'm not in any big rush to get married but I do intend to marry her someday), and because I have to be a responsible adult and take care of things like my health and debt, we haven't been able to meet yet. She doesn't have a reliable income either, and honestly I am basically just relying on the goodwill of strangers online in order to be able to afford the things I have to take care of before I can even think about going to visit her.
It's just majorly frustrating. I feel like I'm lost, really, and I have no idea where I should go or what to do next besides trying desperately to get a sustainable source of income that doesn't burn me out or exacerbate my issues with my disabilities (or that isn't just completely inaccessible for me). I hate it.
Started journaling recently using some shadow work prompts and oh boy... it is definitely hard but it is helping me a lot with figuring out stuff like what I actually want in life and what actually makes me happy. Damn.
Also, been writing small journal entries in Brazilian Portuguese and French as well, that way I get to practice them more! I'll add occasional entries in Russian once I actually know some of the basics.
Been wanting to get back into streaming, but I never manage to find the time.
I've been reading this book called "The Smoke and Flowers" by R.A Bea, it's pretty good so far! I'm about halfway through right now.
Beginning to feel really demotivated about life in general, not sure what to do anymore.
It is so incredibly messed up that you can meet someone who's so perfect in every way and yet they're thousands of kilometres away. Yes, my first post on this is going to be me complaining about how much I miss my partner, because I really fucking miss her!